John Gottman a Ph.D research based psychologist has evaluated thousands of parent-child interaction and reports there four styles of parenting: 1. Dismissing, 2. Disapproving, 3. Laissez-fare, 4. The emotional coach. I encourage parents to examine these four parenting characteristics and identify what yours. As we become more conscious of our own behavior we can begin to shift.
1. Dismissing parent (constrains connection)
a. Treats child feelings as unimportant, trivial
b. Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings
c. Wants child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
d. Characteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotions
2. The disapproving parent (constrains autonomy)
a. Displays many of the dismissing parent behaviors but in a more negative way
b. Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression
c. Is unaware of the need to set limits on the child
d. Emphasizes conformity to good standards or behavior reprimands, disciplines, or punishes the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not.
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent (constrains safety)
a. Freely accepts all emotional expression from a child
b. Offers little comfort to a child experiencing negative feelings
c. Offers little guidance on behavior
d. Does not teach child about emotions
4. The emotion coach (maintains connection, safety, and autonomy)
a. Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy
b. Can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion
c. Is aware of and values his or her own emotions
d. Sees the world of negative emotions as an important area for parenting.
e. Does not say how the child should feel
f. Does not feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child uses emotional momentum as a time to:
- Listen to the child
- Empathize with soothing words and affection
- Help the child label the emotion
- Offer’s guidance on regulating emotions
- Sets limits and teaches acceptable expression of emotions
- Teaches problem-solving skills.
5 Key Steps to emotion coaching:
1. Be aware of child’s emotions
2. Recognize emotions as opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listening empathetically and validating child’s feelings
4. Helping child verbally label emotions
5. Setting limits while helping child problem solve
Extras:
- Avoid excessive criticism, humiliation, or mocking
- Create mental maps of child’s daily life
- Think about your child’s experiences in terms of similar adult situations
- Don’t try to impose your solutions on your child’s problems
- Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes
- Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies
- Be honest with your child
- Read children’s literature together
- Be patient with the process
- Understand your base of power as a parent
- Believe in the positive nature of human development